psivamp subtext - reawakening and letting go of anger...

[catacombwhore]

I had an epiphany and realized that the things that were blocking me are no longer there, and I wasted 2 years of my life, and ruined a friendship, because I went crazy and couldn't listen and didn't know what I was doing. I'm not ready to let go of my hatred and anger even though I should be... but I don't want the anger to become my identity, I'm finally able to touch on clarity that used to be normal for me, and it odd almost - but I know I have to rehaul my identity for the millionth time when I'm ready. I know my friendship won't be fixed until I do let go. And to let go I need to be ready.

I like to keep this sequence of events in mind...

2 years after the person who raped me disappeared from my life he knocks on my door and asks me to remove the curse on him. I spit in his face and he leaves. then after that my energy gets fucked up, due to a crappy construct I didn't know how to remove... I start getting angry and going crazy after moving to portland... mostly because that was not supposed to happen.

Someone from psionguild removes one of the constructs, but my energy is still fuzzy... like one side of my aura gets pwned... this is before I knew about the whole neg/crazy channel thing, I have no idea how to deal with any of it, but am pretty much getting constantly pummel by other shit... that are pissed off due to the guy... I go more crazy.

Someone else from psionguild removes another construct intended to make me doubt myself... but by that point I was just pissed at the injustice of any of this happening to me, from such idiotic things... on top of that a fucking imp creature decides to attach to me because of my production of negative thoughtforms, which confuses me more.

A shaman in portland has my guardian spirits remove the spirit and take it home or something... still at that point deep in the hole, thinking shit is attacking me and being confused and ridiculous.

Yet another person from psion guild steps in and disables the group [which I didn't know about at the time], and at the same time a friend who I hadn't talked to in a long time decides to help... both of these people helped insanely and brought me back to a decent point. And I move back to LA, which helps. I get the satisfaction of them getting what they deserve... complete loss of ability to do anything. I still wish they were dead but you can't have it all.

I start back on the road to recovery... with a lot of crap to deal with. And the realization that it will be another personality rehaul.

Today - I realize I can connect to my friend again and to another person I know with the same source who I've known in past lives. The Old past lives. It's where I belong. But I'm not ready to let go of the anger. Close but no cigar. I never did that ritual I was talking about... I still need help working out this block, I'm not where I want to be. I have to pick through the anger and rehaul before I can be better... right now it feels like pretending to be okay or that things are okay... but I think things are actually okay... I just don't even know where to begin...

my energy is crap right now, I get freaked out when I am aware because I see the mess everything is in. my room has no energy shields, my tattoos have dimmed in their charges, I'm like a walking target... and that's not how it used to be. It's just... gross. on top of that I need to do something... guess I'm just looking for some guidance/advice/something for reintegration of my psi abilities after such a long recess.

And yes - most of the time I posted on here I was crazy so I won't blame anyone for looking at my old posts and being all wtf? It seems like ages ago now, and obviously things have gotten better, but it'll be while before I feel comfortable posting on a regular basis due to that, apologies if I lost credibility. :ashamed:

[Pat McDonald]

And yes - most of the time I posted on here I was crazy so I won't blame anyone for looking at my old posts and being all wtf? It seems like ages ago now, and obviously things have gotten better, but it'll be while before I feel comfortable posting on a regular basis due to that, apologies if I lost credibility. :ashamed:

Not with me. I always figured you needed help. But can any of us really enjoy life without other people?

I've had plenty of crazy years. That's why I responded - because if I can get through my crap, I know, I KNOW that potentially you could get through yours.

Yeah, I got 20 tonnes of crap to shift from my yard. Had other commitments. But I know when I get around to it I'll find lots of half finished projects to put energy into.

That would be my main advice to you - do something creative, make something in a way, that you love. Not because you are good at it, not because you want to be "recognised". But because you just love doing it.

Not sure what? Try different things - find a musical instrument that's "you", develop an art or painting style that's "you", or just write a blog in a style that's "you". Doesn't have to be feminine - study a martial art style or combat, or maybe go real deep in writing and write some action/adventure. You are in the right part of the world for that, and you CAN write.

Write like a pirate. Like any moment you could be dead but you'll keep on fighting and struggling.

All the greats had tortured lives. All of them. It's a large part of what made them great.

So use your past. You can't change it. But you can make the future better because of it.

Rooting for you - and it ain't you that should be ashamed. Find an outlet for that horror and energy and let the good times rock and roll. Let the poison out of you and let the light and love in.

Please? I made plenty of mistakes in my life. Still do. But every day is new, every day there can be opportunities from a million different ways.

[red30]

I'm glad you letting the anger go. Anger is by far the most destructive emotion there is. It might help by writing, drawing, and taking some kind of kick boxing class to focus those feeling out of yourself. To have a direction so when your feeling down you have a way to vent. The psionic community is nothing if we don't support our own and others.

As for as the energy work goes, focus on yourself first then worry about it later.

[Controlled chaos]

I had an epiphany and realized that the things that were blocking me are no longer there, and I wasted 2 years of my life, and ruined a friendship, because I went crazy and couldn't listen and didn't know what I was doing. I'm not ready to let go of my hatred and anger even though I should be... but I don't want the anger to become my identity, I'm finally able to touch on clarity that used to be normal for me, and it odd almost - but I know I have to rehaul my identity for the millionth time when I'm ready. I know my friendship won't be fixed until I do let go. And to let go I need to be ready.

I like to keep this sequence of events in mind...

2 years after the person who raped me disappeared from my life he knocks on my door and asks me to remove the curse on him. I spit in his face and he leaves. then after that my energy gets fucked up, due to a crappy construct I didn't know how to remove... I start getting angry and going crazy after moving to portland... mostly because that was not supposed to happen.

Someone from psionguild removes one of the constructs, but my energy is still fuzzy... like one side of my aura gets pwned... this is before I knew about the whole neg/crazy channel thing, I have no idea how to deal with any of it, but am pretty much getting constantly pummel by other shit... that are pissed off due to the guy... I go more crazy.

Someone else from psionguild removes another construct intended to make me doubt myself... but by that point I was just pissed at the injustice of any of this happening to me, from such idiotic things... on top of that a fucking imp creature decides to attach to me because of my production of negative thoughtforms, which confuses me more.

A shaman in portland has my guardian spirits remove the spirit and take it home or something... still at that point deep in the hole, thinking shit is attacking me and being confused and ridiculous.

Yet another person from psion guild steps in and disables the group [which I didn't know about at the time], and at the same time a friend who I hadn't talked to in a long time decides to help... both of these people helped insanely and brought me back to a decent point. And I move back to LA, which helps. I get the satisfaction of them getting what they deserve... complete loss of ability to do anything. I still wish they were dead but you can't have it all.

I start back on the road to recovery... with a lot of crap to deal with. And the realization that it will be another personality rehaul.

Today - I realize I can connect to my friend again and to another person I know with the same source who I've known in past lives. The Old past lives. It's where I belong. But I'm not ready to let go of the anger. Close but no cigar. I never did that ritual I was talking about... I still need help working out this block, I'm not where I want to be. I have to pick through the anger and rehaul before I can be better... right now it feels like pretending to be okay or that things are okay... but I think things are actually okay... I just don't even know where to begin...

my energy is crap right now, I get freaked out when I am aware because I see the mess everything is in. my room has no energy shields, my tattoos have dimmed in their charges, I'm like a walking target... and that's not how it used to be. It's just... gross. on top of that I need to do something... guess I'm just looking for some guidance/advice/something for reintegration of my psi abilities after such a long recess.

And yes - most of the time I posted on here I was crazy so I won't blame anyone for looking at my old posts and being all wtf? It seems like ages ago now, and obviously things have gotten better, but it'll be while before I feel comfortable posting on a regular basis due to that, apologies if I lost credibility. :ashamed:

hey i don't know you or anything...but it sounds like you went through something simlar to me. I wouldn't worry too much about your room and tats, as long as you remember you are WALKING LIGHT and your roomis where that LIGHT and your SPIRT rest. As such nothing on this the face of earth can beat you.
Peace Ma

[Minsc]

2 years after the person who raped me disappeared from my life he knocks on my door and asks me to remove the curse on him. I spit in his face and he leaves. then after that my energy gets fucked up, due to a crappy construct I didn't know how to remove... I start getting angry and going crazy after moving to portland... mostly because that was not supposed to happen.

Okay whoa what was that about? It's one thing to be raped or almost raped, but another when the guy comes back 2 years later because he knows you do curses and knows you put a curse on him.

And whose construct was that?

If it's an anger issue over rape, you could read stories of people who've had it much worse than you with regards to sexuality. Like this guy http://www.cogsdev.org/cwcki/Main_Page although not raped, had things really bad.

[agent AAA]

Well, she didn't say she cursed him, just asked her to remove a curse, Minsc. she never said she put it on him.
to that end, catacombwhore, did you?